Weaponized Anthrax or Watching "Rebound"?

If you had to choose between getting a handful of powdered anthrax blown in your face or giving up two hours of your life to watch "Rebound" with Martin Lawrence, which would you choose? You probably chose watching the Martin Lawrence shitfest, but I bet you thought about it for a few seconds.

Martin Lawrence has always tested the definition of the word "comedian" to me. He mugs, he laughs, he plays a variety of goofy characters. These are attributes of a comedian, sure, but with the all important difference that HE ISN'T FUNNY. Every third guy in America under 40 has a set of jokes, silly faces, and impressions that are as funny as Martin Lawrence's tired act. That is no compliment, to Lawrence or to the United States.

Radio Twins: The Second Law of Pop Musical Dynamics

Classic rock radio is usually terrible. The idiot DJ's, the repetitive playlists of the same damn songs over and over (Radar Love?, yeah I've heard it thanks!). One particular annoying fact, a law of pop music if you will, is that some songs are forever entwined in radio airplay. Two examples come to mind:

"We Will Rock You"/"We Are The Champions" - if you hear Queen's "We Will Rock You" you WILL hear "We Are The Champions." It is a metaphysical certainty. Why? I have read that radio stations in the 70s received a promotional vinyl single with both these songs on one side, making it very easy to play both together. If that is the reason, so be it, but radio stations switched to CDs a long time ago, and many use computer audio files. There must be more to it than mere tradition. I think this song duo must be the perfect length for a DJ to go to the bathroom, or more likely, fill out a Wendy's application.

"Heartbreaker"/"Living Loving Maid" - This pair of Led Zeppelin songs is also permanently linked. I like both songs but why-oh-fuck-why does "Living Loving Maid" always have to come after "Heartbreaker"? They are separate tracks on every Led Zep CD I have ever seen. Even on vinyl they are separate tracks with a space between them. The two songs were never even released as the A/B sides of a single. How about "Heartbreaker" followed by "Heartbreaker" by The Rolling Stones? No, that would be clever.

Why BlowdenBlog?

My name is David Bowden, I am a blowhard, and this is a blog.

Geouninominalism

Geouninominalism: this is David's First Law of Pop Musical Dynamics. This law came to me in about 1990 while I was cursing the "classic" rock radio station in Columbia SC. The name is my pastiche of barely remembered Greco-Roman prefixes from high school English, but I like it.

"Geo" as in geography, "Uninominal" as in "one-word." The word describes the eerie coincidence that most, if not all, popular music bands with a one-word geographically based name are . . . shitty. I mean really shitty. Here are my examples (in alphabetical order, not necessarily in order of execrableness):

Alabama: country not rock, but popular for way too long - and the beards!
America: "A Horse With No Name" is their biggest hit (yeah it bores me too)
Asia: this band includes members of Yes, plus Palmer from Emerson Lake & Palmer. With this lineage, do I even have to add that they suck?
Boston: I would rather hear the cell phone conversations of people trapped in the World Trade Center than listen to Tom Scholz sing
Chicago: Peter Cetera puts the "etcetera" in pop music. Try to listen to "Being Without You" without contemplating suicide. Don't try it alone.
Europe: arena crap-rock band from late '80s
Kansas: a band named after the state that is literally synonymous with white-bread, flat, boring Middle America; good choice.
Styx: a mythical river must count as a geographical reference, 'cause listening to "Mr. Roboto" is like taking a slow boat to Hades

I think the Law of Geouninominalism works because you have to be pretty uncreative in the first place to name your band after an area. It's like the members threw a dart at an atlas to name themselves. Confusing names like these lead to stupid conversations, such as:

"I like Chicago."
"I don't. It's too cold."
"No, man, the band Chicago. With that awesome Pete Cetera."
"I'm sorry."
"No problem, that gets confused all the time."
"No, I'm sorry you have Down's Syndrome."

I assume there are more obscure bands with names like "Florida," "California," and "Russia." We can only hope their members failed as musicians and now suck dick for crack.

Exceptions To Geouninominalism: My friends have tried to disprove my presumptuous rule by giving me counter-examples, such as Paris (a rapper), Portishead (moody British band), and Texas (a moody British band with one great single featuring Method Man). These are definitely exceptions to geouninominalism if you consider them popular. However, in the U.S., Paris and Texas are not widely recognized as being the names of musical artists, and Portishead isn't recognized as a place name at all.

Falsely-Perceived-To-Be Exceptions To Geouninominalism: You might cry out, "What about The New York Dolls and Hanoi Rocks?" They aren't one-word place names, and stop yelling!

Mission Statement

I decided to make this blog to put some of my crazy and/or humorous ideas out in the public domain, in the hope of popularizing them for future generations of slacker self-indulgent wastrels. I'm also a writer-wannabe with no commercial outlet for my work, so this serves as my intermittently released opinion column. Like Thomas Friedman in The New York Times, except good.