Geouninominalism

Geouninominalism: this is David's First Law of Pop Musical Dynamics. This law came to me in about 1990 while I was cursing the "classic" rock radio station in Columbia SC. The name is my pastiche of barely remembered Greco-Roman prefixes from high school English, but I like it.

"Geo" as in geography, "Uninominal" as in "one-word." The word describes the eerie coincidence that most, if not all, popular music bands with a one-word geographically based name are . . . shitty. I mean really shitty. Here are my examples (in alphabetical order, not necessarily in order of execrableness):

Alabama: country not rock, but popular for way too long - and the beards!
America: "A Horse With No Name" is their biggest hit (yeah it bores me too)
Asia: this band includes members of Yes, plus Palmer from Emerson Lake & Palmer. With this lineage, do I even have to add that they suck?
Boston: I would rather hear the cell phone conversations of people trapped in the World Trade Center than listen to Tom Scholz sing
Chicago: Peter Cetera puts the "etcetera" in pop music. Try to listen to "Being Without You" without contemplating suicide. Don't try it alone.
Europe: arena crap-rock band from late '80s
Kansas: a band named after the state that is literally synonymous with white-bread, flat, boring Middle America; good choice.
Styx: a mythical river must count as a geographical reference, 'cause listening to "Mr. Roboto" is like taking a slow boat to Hades

I think the Law of Geouninominalism works because you have to be pretty uncreative in the first place to name your band after an area. It's like the members threw a dart at an atlas to name themselves. Confusing names like these lead to stupid conversations, such as:

"I like Chicago."
"I don't. It's too cold."
"No, man, the band Chicago. With that awesome Pete Cetera."
"I'm sorry."
"No problem, that gets confused all the time."
"No, I'm sorry you have Down's Syndrome."

I assume there are more obscure bands with names like "Florida," "California," and "Russia." We can only hope their members failed as musicians and now suck dick for crack.

Exceptions To Geouninominalism: My friends have tried to disprove my presumptuous rule by giving me counter-examples, such as Paris (a rapper), Portishead (moody British band), and Texas (a moody British band with one great single featuring Method Man). These are definitely exceptions to geouninominalism if you consider them popular. However, in the U.S., Paris and Texas are not widely recognized as being the names of musical artists, and Portishead isn't recognized as a place name at all.

Falsely-Perceived-To-Be Exceptions To Geouninominalism: You might cry out, "What about The New York Dolls and Hanoi Rocks?" They aren't one-word place names, and stop yelling!